Monday, May 08, 2006

Memo to Barry Bonds

On the eve of tying Babe Ruth for the all-time #2 spot in career homers, I just wanted to tell you something important. You've misunderstood us, the American sports-watching public - I would like to set the record straight.

Yes, many of us (not me - I was a child of a more progressive era) in this country hated Hank Aaron because he was black. As a nation, most of us got over that as we adapted to changed times. It was shameful, though. But that said, virtually nobody hates you because you're black.

We hate you because, in the single-minded pursuit of baseball's loftiest record, you went from being possibly the greatest all-around player in the history of the game, a feared slugger in your own right, and a guaranteed first-ballot Hall of Famer to a bloated human lab rat. Between the steroids and the HGH, you now are a joke in the outfield, you've got a head the size of a small sedan, and your muscles look like they popped out of a Popeye cartoon. It's obvious, what you did to yourself to hit more home runs, and it's a waste of one of the all-time best players.

We also hate you because you've demonstrated that you can't look in the mirror. You refuse to acknowledge that we, the public, are on to you, and you insist on passing the buck and trying to blame things like racial tension. Racial problems exist in this nation, but that's not the problem with you.

And most importantly, the reason we hate you, Barry, is because you're an asshole with a 20+ year track records of being one of the most miserable, arrogant pricks in the sporting universe.

Nothing personal. But I hope you get indicted on the same day you hit number 714.

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